My resolution

(Originally written on 1-1-13)

My resolution IS the Winter Olympics—for the most part!

Opinion by William Wilczewski

Nogales International

Sports Editor

sports@nogalesinternational.com

(Notes scribbled on the back of a piece of paper that had 2012’s resolutions written on it.)

The New Year is here, and although it’s a typical idea, here are my resolutions for 2013.

Aside from quitting my smoking habit, there are a few other things on this kind of Sports list.

One thing I’m not going to quit is my love affair with boxing … sorry, Sweetie, but this one I can’t let go of. The Sweet Science has been a part of my life wince I was 6 years old and Sugar Ray Leonard won the Olympic gold medal in Montreal.

Besides, the man is like a walking Fountain of Youth. Has anyone seen him lately? He actually looks younger than he did in 1976. Okay, that might not be quite true but it’s closer to the mark than a warm blanket on your body on a cold winter’s night.

Speaking of winter, I think I’m going to quit the Winter Olympic Games.

Can you blame me?

I know it might sound narrow-minded, but aside from hockey, I’d rather take a sponge bath with a porcupine than follow what I consider a poor excuse for must-see TV.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying winter Olympians aren’t world-class, hard-core athletes. Actually, they’re quite the opposite. It’s just that swimming with a school of hungry piranha would be less painful than watching the goings on in the Wide World of Curling.

Call me a typical ugly American, but where’s all the excitement in watching Nordic Combined?

Sure, it was one of the original events at the first winter Olympics held in Chamonix in 1924, but aside from watching a ski jumper do a face-plant and ending up a human dirt dart, isn’t the sport lacking the flare us Americans really enjoy on Planet Sport? To make matters worse, the cross country skiing portion of the event is less exciting than watching slugs mate on Animal Planet.

Then there’s the speed skating. Again, I find it hard to believe that most of the viewing appeal, like NASCAR, is waiting to see a bloody wreck, because while racing around a circle at high speeds may get the drivers’ blood pumping, it just gets me dizzy and wondering if I’d have more fun playing connect the dots in the leopard’s cage at the zoo.

Next, there’s the luge. Like my ol’ military buddy Ian Boudreau once said, “It’s the only sport you can participate in unwillingly. Someone can just strap you in and send you on your way.” He also compared it to watching organized water slide races.

Both good points.

The way I see it, though, luge is just an event for rollercoaster buffs who wanted to legitimize their activity by running the rails on ice versus metal structures at amusement parks.

And how about figure skating? Let me just make two points:

Any man caught in sequenced tights ought to be caught dead. Women in sequenced tights and dresses? That’s okay. But again, this is the only real appeal the sport has. (Enough said!)

My all-time favorite (yes, that’s sarcasm), though, is the aforementioned curling.

It’s like taking the elderly out of a cruise ship game of shuffleboard, putting a few younger folks in the mix, and entering them in a speed-sweeping contest—with a gold medal on the line, no less.

Sure, I understand most winter Olympic sports have their roots in Norwegian- and Sweden-esque countries, so the appeal is not, for the most part, to our typical ugly American liking. I just wish they would make a few changes in these sports to make them a little more TV-friendly.

How about randomly placed flash-bangs on downhill mogul skiing courses?

They could always add bonus points for the shooting of a live animal during biathlon events, right? (Address all PETA complaints to take-a-joke@hotmail.com.)

Finally, the powers-that-be could also ban lame nicknames like U.S. redheaded snowboarder Shaun White’s. After all, anybody who thinks using “The Flying Tomato” as a rad moniker is helping the reputation of the Winter Games should be a replacement for my suggested animal edition to the biathlon.

Enough said!