SuperBroBowl for the less-than-knowledgeable girlfriends

Opinion by William Wilczewski

The game of football to a girl can—in some but not all cases—seem as foreign to a woman as mascara is to a guy.

Because of this, I would like to extend this “crash course” or “Football for Dummies” for those that currently find themselves behind the power curve for this coming Sunday’s Big Game:

LESSON 1

Simply stated … Two “teams” (in Sunday’s case, the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens) of 11 men each try to “march” (or move) down the 100-yard field and keep possession of the “ball” or “pigskin” (or the little brown thing all those bruits are all holding) and “score” or put the aforementioned ball into the end zone(s), or the two 10-yards deep x 160-feet wide boxes on both ends of the field.

A lot of lines need to be filled in here, so let’s got to …

LESSON 2

The team on offense (with the ball) has four plays to advance 10 yards in order to start over for another four plays to advance 10 yards. When they do this once, it’s called a “first down.”

If a team, though, fails to get 10 yards on its fourth play they “turn the ball over” to the other team right where they were stopped. If a team has too many yards to go to get a first down, they can also punt, or kick the ball to the other team, who will have a player waiting for it downfield. But, a team can also get in punt formation and fake it and try to advance the ball the rest of the way for a first down. If they get it or not, a “fake punt” is usually very risky, yet very exciting.

LESSON 3

Obviously, the defensive team wants to do all they can within the rules to stop the offense from advancing the ball 10 or more yards during the offensive possession. This is where and why the game looks so violent (for many guys, though, this just might be the attraction to the game).

Now, let’s go to  …

LESSON 4

And learn a little bit about penalties; otherwise known as infractions.

HOLDING, is just that; usually when an offensive linemen—the five biggest guys nearest the ball on the offense—hold onto someone on the defense. Or vise versa, and for just about anyone on the field to another.

OFFSIDES: Basically when someone on the offense or defense moves ahead of the ball from either direction before the quarterback (or person with his hands on an offensive lineman’s butt) calls for the lineman to snap it (or give it to him). This one can be tricky but that’s the general idea.

ROUGHING THE PASSER: This one stinks and is making the NFL into the Girls Scouts compared to the United States Marine Corps. (For further explanation, please ask your boyfriend if you have a spare few hours before The Big Game!)

LESSON 5

Some might ask why the ball is oblong and not round?

Good question!

Without painstakingly researching such an intense subject, here’s my take on it:

My own idea is that shape of the ball was made that way to not only differentiate the game from futbol or rugby but to also makes the ball (or oblong leather thingy) easier to hold—and later in the game’s evolution, to pass it—which is when The-Guy-Who-Puts-His-Hands-On-The-Lineman’s-Butt throws it to another guys on his team (which is signified by the same jersey color and decoration).

NOW, the 6th ands final beginners’ lesson

“Touchbacks” versus “safeties”: Okay, I’m going to cheat on this one, but according to Wikipedia …

“A touchback is a ruling that is made and signaled by an official when the ball becomes dead behind or above a goal line (i.e., in an end zone) and the team who is attacking that goal line is responsible for the ball being there. Responsibility is determined by which team gave the ball the impetus to travel over or across the goal line. Such impetus may be imparted by a kick, pass, fumble, or in certain instances by batting the ball. A touchback is not a play, but a result of events that may occur during a play.

“A touchback is the opposite of a safety with regard to impetus since a safety is scored when the defending team is responsible for the ball becoming dead behind or above its own goal.”

OKAY, I don’t really fully understand all that mumbo-jumbo, either, so I might have to ask my Dad and get back to you.

In the meantime, I hope the rest helped!

Enjoy The Big Game!