'Champ vs. Chump’ winner is decided ...

Opinion by William Wilczewski

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Marky Lopez’s armpits smell like feet!

Or—at least—that’s what my half-identical-twin-twice-removed-step-brother told me Tuesday after getting his Cheektawarsaw, Poland-bootie kicked by three-time Rio Rico High and Arizona prep champion wrestler Marky Lopez in The Microwave (a.k.a., The Hawk Wrestling Room).

My half-identical-twin-twice-removed-step-brother, though, looked to be right if you see the (go to: http://tinyurl.com/ChampVsChump) video because he—also known as Polacko Mysterio—had his head jammed in between both of Marky’s armpits most of the time that he battled (and I use that term loosely) the champ on Tuesday.

His subsequent bruised ribs, by the way, were likely suffered when Marky fireman carried the 160-pound Mysterio and paraded him around the mat like last week’s Cheektawarsaw Daily Herald—the newspaper that Mysterio is the Sports Editor of—before slamming him (okay, gently placing him—thanks, Marky) on the mat before the eventual pin ended the Intergalactic Title Bout in Marky’s triumphant favor.

Initial hospital reports said that more was bruised than ribs, but before getting checked out any further, Polacko Mysterio jumped the first flight back to Poland with his tail between his legs.

Smart move.

When I called him Wednesday morning, Polacko Mysterio said he had a hard time falling asleep that night.

“Even my toenails hurt,” he said with his raspy voice created from all the smoking he does, “but it’s nothing a half bottle of Alieve can’t take care of.”

Polacko Mysterio went on to explain that in his younger days he once road a bull in Tennessee on a Polish Marine Corps Exchange Program outing—his first trip to the U.S.—when and where the now 42-year-old lasted about 3.5 seconds on the beats before the 1/2-ton-plus animal came pounding down on his calf for what seemed like countlesssss time (although it was probably only once)—leaving a mark he swears he still has.

Comparing that ride with the one he just had with Marky, Mysterio quipped, “For being nearly twice Marky’s age, I guess (?) I didn’t do too bad—but I’ll take that bull ride again any day!”

He went on to say that he wasn’t so winded after the cowboy experience like he was against Marky. Plus, all his pride was still intact when he left the rodeo arena. After leaving The Microwave, on the other hand, Mysterio said his pride-meter read in the negative.

The again, he’d only wrestled one season at Cheektawarsaw High in his younger days, so what did he expect? (If you ask me, though, it looked like he ditched wrestling practice way too often for extra credit in Home Ec.)

The funny thing is, though, when you watch the video you will see that ring announcer extraordinaire—and Rio Rico High wrestling coach Brad Beach—clearly proclaim that the once-masked man HAD(!) a record of 135 wins and 0 (YES, ZERO!) defeats before the match, so it’s unclear how much the geriatric grappler may have fudged with his fight history.

The one thing that is clear, though, is that now—with his “lone” and certainly humiliating defeat—Mysterio is hanging up his singlet. On the bright side, though, prior to the Intergalactic Title Bout, he made sure his will, and health and life insurance policies were in good order, so his beautiful wife Pearl Mysterio will have noting to worry about if he decides to make a Brett Favre-esque comeback at any point, and gets run over by a John Deere again in a rematch.

That, however, gives me, “Ski,” an idea!

I figure I’m in much better shape than my half-identical-twin-twice-removed-step-brother, so maybe I should give Marky a run for his money. I think I could fair a whole lot better.

On second thought, I think I’ll just leave wrestling to the real wrestlers, because although I think Polacko Mysterio deserves a lot of credit, the truth of the matter is that he could “mask” all his fears, anxiety and insecurities—and a ton of other emotions that come from going one-on-one with the thought of possibly losing—with humor.

Real wrestlers simply can’t. The sport is much too serious for that. So, the ones that truly deserve all the real credit is them.

I (er, um, Polacko Mysterio) should know. I / he was the one that got his butted kicked by Marky Lopez on Tuesday.

Congrats Marky!