Sochi: My way(s) of ‘defining’ the Winter Olympics

Opinion by William Wilczewski

While most talk of the upcoming Sochi Winter Olympics revolves around “black widows” and terrorism, please pardon me if I take the lighter road today.

I don’t know about you, but I figure there are enough spiders and terrorizing acts going on right here in Arizona that I would just like to forget about those things for a little while.

Having said that, let’s get to what’s supposed to be at the heart of the Winter Olympic Games.

Sports.

That is, if you actually call Winter Olympic events “sports.”

Ask me, it’s all pretty silly stuff—aside from maybe ice hockey.

Other than that, here is how I would “define” some of these so-called “sports.”

(You may not find these in any dictionary or sports encyclopedia, but what do you expect from an underpaid, overworked sports editor?)

Alpine skiing = Something you do for fun—not medals—in the Swiss Alps.

Biathlon = Combining cross country skiing and rifle shooting—if you ask me—is like combining SCUBA diving and basket weaving. Wait, that’s already a class at most U.S. universities, taken by football players, right?

Bobsledding = Clearly an idea stolen from Disney Land. I’ve never seem it in person but I bet it’s a bigger rush than those wacko polar bear club members feel when they plunge themselves into freezing cold waters every winter. In fact, maybe that should be the next Winter Olympic sport—Polar Bearing For Time. In fact, maybe they can test this new sport by using any “black widows” or terrorists they capture in the coming weeks.

Cross country skiing = See Alpine above.

Curling = Now this—I figure—is the single most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. C’mon, folks, if you can tell me with a straight face that the guy or gal who invented this sport was not 10-sheets to the wind on Jack Daniels or some type of high-octane tequila, I will call you a liar straight to your face. Who else in their right mind would even dream this up? Anyway, let’s go on to …

Luge = See Bobsledding above.

Nordic Combined = For those of you that don’t know, Nordic Combined combines cross country skiing and ski jumping. It’s said that the first major competition in Nordic Combined was held in 1892 in Olso, which is when and where it should go back to. The way I see it, it you’re ever in a position while cross country skiing that you need to hurl yourself off a dangerous cliff, you should have invested in a compass and map.

Short track speed skating = These were obviously guys that couldn’t make the hockey team.

Skeleton = If you think this sounds Halloween scary … well, it is. In fact, these nut-jobs are taking the above-mentioned Luge and Bobsledding to a whole new level of “Oops-I-Soiled-My-Pants” scary. You see, in this “sport,” an individual person rides a small sled down a frozen track while lying face down, during which they experience forces up to 5g. (Now I’m not exactly sure what a “g” is, but after watching Top Gun, I bet it might peel the skin off you face if you’re not careful.)

Having said that, though, I guess I’m going to have to rethink ice hockey as the only Winter Olympic sport that I approve of.

I now add Bobsledding, Luge and Skeleton to my list.

(Note to wife: Sorry, honey, now there’re three more sports you’ll have to put up with me watching come Feb. 7-24 from Sochi, Russia. Let us pray that all involved—athletes and beyond—are safe on the field of play … … and off of it!)