THE REAL COOKIE MONSTER?

Opinion by William Wilczewski

I just want to eat my cookies.

That’s it.

It’s not a lot to ask for, is it?

Recently, though, with Girl Scout Cookie Season flying at mock-10, it seems it just might be.

You see, there are those who would suggest that if I buy a box or nine or 10 from that cute little lass in the baby-bunny-adorable green outfit, it makes me morally irrepressible.

A monger!

An ingrate!

Me? I just like cookies.

Big ones.

Small ones.

Cookies with chocolate chips.

Cookies without chocolate chips.

Cookies with coffee.

Cookies with milk; or without milk … and so on and so on … …

Thursday, though, I read an article that the Pro-Life Action League is joining a national boycott effort that’s battling the Girl Scouts over their ties to Planned Parenthood—and that organization’s ties to abortion, birth control and the morning-after pill.

From what I understand, Planned Parenthood also promotes STD awareness and breast cancer screenings, but who could disagree with those causes, right?

Anyway, I can’t say I agree with abortion, including the morning-after pill, but I do think there’s something to be said for birth control, if done for the right reasons.

My opinion on those subjects, though, doesn’t really matter. And—even if it did—that same opinion is a bit foggy right now anyway—likely because of the sugar high I’m on.

When you have Thin Mints, Tagalongs and Shortbread pumping through your veins like jet fuel through a MiG-25 Mikoyan-Gurevich, it’s hard to concentrate, you know.

And don’t even get me started on the Do-Si-Dos because my craving for those makes me like a 3-year-old searching for a hidden cake at his own surprise birthday party.

Then you have Lemonades, Savannah Smiles (oohhh, I love when Savannah Smiles!), Thanks-A-Lots and Dulce de Leches.

But, no … those Little Evil Girls In Green (and I mean that in the best possible way, mind you) don’t stop there. The list goes on with Cranberry Citrus Crisps, Chocolate Chip Shortbread (as if traditional chocolate chip cookies weren’t delectable enough) and Thank U Berry Munches.

No! I say: Thank U Berry Munch, Girls Scouts, for keeping my dentist in business and a smile on my crumb-covered face for all these years.

I may not agree with everything Planned Parenthood stands for, but when I have a box of Samoas—AKA Caramel deLites—planted in front of me, I just can’t seem to help myself.

I know what some of you might be saying: This guy has no moral compass. How can he possibly continue to eat those cookies knowing what he knows? He must be The Real Cookie Monster!

Well, say what you want. My skin is thick—just like my appetite for a sweet little treat every now and again.

In fact, my sweet tooth is so strong at times that I’ll even eat cookies that have morsels of things I don’t like in them.

Take, for example, raisins.

I don’t like them.

Hate ‘em!

Despise ‘em!

But, when I get a cookie that has dried grapes in them, all I do is simply pick the buggers out and continue to munch away like a beaver at a log.

There is one thing, though, that I refuse to pick out of my cookies.

Politics!